God, I actually hope that no one reads this. But I need to write AS IF I am confiding. I can't keep it locked up. I'M A MESS. Ever since the last month of the juice feast. Aftermath after the fast. It through me waaaay out of whack. I personally realize that this extreme practice does not work for every body. Juice feasting was the ruination of me...that is how I feel, for the last 6 months. Like maybe my dosha is not right for that "remedy". I went into it hoping to heal psoriasis. To straighten out imbalances.
My psoriasis got WAAAY worse in the feast and has continued in that direction.
So depressing.
My body has kinked WAAAY more out of whack than it was before the feast.
I have gained 25 lbs more than my starting weight before the feast.
I am sooo depressed and stuck now. This energy stuck in me like a thorn that got wedged in deep and I can't find it now to pull it out. I need a shaman to cast out the demons and clear my soul.
Having been over 5 yrs raw vegan before the feast I was not unhappy one day the whole time (ok, maybe a few during a break up, but not depression).
This is full-on depression.
I am 100% raw and the new fat is going NOWHERE.
I isolate myself I am so embarrassed to see people, especially raw vegan friends. It looks like I am eating bagels and burgers and fries and shakes, I am obese.
This new body after the feast does not look like me.
I have only negative mind set now. I have anger and doubt and self-hate. I was nothing like this before back in May 08. I was great then.
My depression and lack of emotional control and new mood swings are challenging my relationship with my loving boyfriend. And I do not want to go out, I don't want friends, and I feel badly for him so I try to break up like once week when I go "nutty". I should just be alone, no one should have to suffer this with me. My body makes me want to puke if I catch a glimpse of it. The fact that I let it effect me to such detriment is gross too. I used to be SOOO positive and actually lived the wisdom I know. Now the wisdom is trying to fight its way out of my head and back to my being, but the negative thoughts beat it down.
I have always been strong and fixed myself. This time I am so beyond lost. Been 6 months and I am just getting worse. 6 yrs raw vegan lifestyle and this is where I am. It seems like everyone living this way except me gets better and better and all my effort has been for...what?
I feel doomed. I might as well be an alcoholic pizza eating lump because good natural organic living food is not helping me. My consciousness level went from a level 9 to about a 2.
Cry.
I am seeking help thru an energy-reiki-therapist, a friend.
I am trying 811 diet.
No comments:
Post a Comment