DO THOUGHTS CREATE FAT?

Me in April 2008 - 110 lbs strong & fit

Today - I cannot bear to take a picture, I weigh 135 lbs. I'm 5'2"

My weight keeps going up and up. It doesn't go down 3 up two down 2 up 1 like it used to. I am eating less than last month, but it goes up. So borrrrrr-iiiinnnnnng, I'm gonna log what I'm eating / exorcising /supplementing now.

I am beginning to KNOW from the inside out that thoughts create fat. My bad attitude of late, with all the labels I have for myself, and unloving names, is making me fat. I feel doomed so I convey to the universe that I am doomed through my thoughts. For the following examples insert "I am" where blank because I should not even type these complete statements for fear of solidifying them more in my experience:
" _____ getting fatter and fatter!"
" _____ giant/obese"
" _____ a disaster"
" _____ no good / defective / sick"
and on and on. (the universe knows YOU are not claiming these things yourself as you read them ...don't worry!)
I grew up with these loop tapes of negativity going in my head and it is soo easy to start the tape again; just press PLAY. I guess now that my tapes were never erased. I thought that they were for the last 5 yrs of my raw-style life, but they were just on a long pause it seems. So, once 10 lbs crept on I called myself a "fatso", amongst other names. Labeling and claiming these demeaning titles, and the physical characteristics followed. My boyfriend keeps reminding me that body follows mind. What the mind commands as true the body will obediently follow and present itself as you rule it. And I am most certainly creating exactly what I do not want. I am so depressed though that it seems impossible to change over to positive reinforcement tapes. I can't bring myself to replace the unwanted thoughts by claiming what I do wish to become as if it were in the present tense in order to bring it into my life now.
Here are some thoughts that must become habit:
I AM HAPPY / HEALTHY / WHOLE
I AM PERFECTING WHAT IS
I AM CAPABLE AND STRONG
I TRUST THAT MY BODY KNOWS WHAT TO DO
I EAT WELL AND I LOSE WEIGHT
I AM FIT AND SLIM
I AM 108 (lbs) AND I FEEL GREAT
AS THE DAYS GO BY I FEEL YOUNGER AND YOUNGER
I FEEL YOUNGER THAN EVER
I AM AN UNENDING SOURCE OF GOD's ENERGY
But some days I wake up crying and can not force these thoughts. And when I try to recite them my back up tapes chime in with terrible sarcastic remarks that mostly win out.
I know that I am gaining weight because of my bad attitude. I am so sad all the time. I wonder if those 5-1/2 yrs of happy raw vegan life were just a manic phase and now my depression is back? Maybe I am manic-depressive and never knew? I feel like I need anti-depressant drugs...this coming from someone who would not take aspirin for the last 5 yrs.

YESTERDAY I HAD:
7am 2 shot E-3 Live ...later Theraputic Enzymes
8am 1 quart of juice: orange, pommegranite, ginger, fennel, dandelion, beet greens, kale, collards, romaine, celery, basil, oregano, burdock root
9:30 Dandelion tea + cacao powder
11:00 3 super ripe juicy persimmons
2:30 3 med bananas blended with fresh aloe & cinnamon
7pm medium salad (dandelion, kale, romaine, basil, cilantro, dulse, wakame, jalepeno, 1 tb O. oil, lime)
EXC: 30 min on rebounder

DAY BEFORE:
7am 2 shot E-3 Live ...later Theraputic Enzymes
8am 1 Qt juice: oj, grapefruit, pomm, ginger, dandelion, kale, red leaf, celery, thyme, daikon radish, black radish
12pm Healthforce Nutritionals Liver Rescue Caps (x 4), Royal Breakstone Caps (x2) with water
4pm Leaf Cuisine salad: (not good ingred. for me) romaine, tomao seed/buckwheat croutons,
1/4 avocado, o. oil, nama shoyu, cashews, garlic, cayenne, onion, dulse
7pm 3/4 Qt juice #2 - like first but with carrot, beet, apple (not citrus/pomm) + other green ingred.
EXC: 2 hour hike (1 hour totally up hill, then back down)

DAY BEFORE:
7am 2 shot E-3 Live ...later Theraputic Enzymes
8am 1 Qt juice: pineapple, pomm, ginger, dandelion, kale, cucumber, celery, thyme, burdock
2pm 8 persimmons (both common types)
5pm 3 more persimmons + hommade veg pulp crackers (pulp from juice + onion, garlic, cumin dehydrated to crisp) + water
8pm 3/4 Qt juice #2 - like first but with carrot, beet, apple (not citrus/pomm) + other green ingred.
NO EXC :(