HEAVENLY HEALING POWERS

Today I go see these Rabbis for an energy health healing session

http://www.absolutepresent.com/

http://www.health-energy.co.il/about_e.htm

They are working together this month in LA.
I dont know why, but when I saw the advert in the back of Whole Life Times magazine, it just struck me. My intuition is not strong, my "6th" sense is not clear, but I need to see them for some reason, maybe only desperation and logic and hope. It is $200 for 45 minutes. I believe that they are loving and not frauds. I very much appreciate the Kabbalistic sensibility. I think this religion is based in truth of the love of God. I grew up Catholic. I do not feel the same good coming from present day (or past for that matter) Catholic church, or other organized religions. I do not identify with any one religion. I identify with my truth as unconditional loving energy of the universe which to me IS God pervasive...goodness and joyful always.
Why can I not connect to that source anymore?

YESTERDAY I FUCKED UP
I cried as I tried to get dressed in the a.m., as is par for the course now (I can not fit into most of what is in my closet. I used to be a high level fashion designer in NYC for 8 yrs, and still getting dressed is a fun and creative outlet every morning... when I am the right weight. But now it is a heavy source of sadness and I look conservative and boring and choose something black (low energy vibration) and and big and cover myself up and want to disappear. No fun. Then I get overwhelmed and sob looking at my huge body in the mirror standing there not knowing what I can possibly fit into and look half ok. Seeing my big fat face looking so old and hopeless and my hair so droopy. To me I look like a women's prison guard. My heavy face, even when I am not angry I look angry, people ask me what is wrong b/c my face is bigger and gravity is at work. That sucks. And, I also can no longer wear wireless bras, my boobs too big...great, stagnant lymph working it's way up to breast cancer (?), which my mom had so I have to be ultra aware. So I cry that I have to wear bras with wires as I am disfigured and out of proportion. It is pathetic. Believe me I KNOW PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD HAVE REAL PROBLEMS.
So in my horror pathetic hopeless state I went and got organic swiss water decaf coffee with soy as I have developed an emotional addiction to it, but gave it up two weeks ago (this combo maybe making my breasts sore? They are really painful, hormonal imbalance? toxins?)
Then I got Fabes vegan choc chip cookies to drown myself in as I have not done that with cooked food in the last month, about time, huh? What an IDIOT!
I am addicted to cacao. A little everyday. Not 811 that's for sure!

YESTERDAY
7am 2 shot E-3 Live ...later Theraputic Enzymes
8am Quart of juice: Citrus + dark greens + herbs + burdock + celery
10am Organic swiss water decaf coffee with soy
10:30 Fabes vegan choc chip cookies
8pm 4 Persimmons
9:30 3/4 of Qt. juice - carrot +lettuce + dark greens + ginger + daikon radish + cucumber
NO EXC...because...

After work I went for a 3 HOUR ENERGETIC HEALING SESSION with goddess IRISIA.
I am soooo resistent, I mean I want to be better, but it is not easy for me to connect during this depression episode and I cant do things like take out my anger on a pillow. I just cant get there yet. So we talked a lot and she got me on her massage table and used essential oils and some chakra clearing techniques which I dont know much about. In the end I felt freer, more open. And her suggestions as to why I am in this state rang true for me though I did not think of them myself before. I realized thanks to her. I have GOT to move forward, up. Regain consciousness.

DO THOUGHTS CREATE FAT?

Me in April 2008 - 110 lbs strong & fit

Today - I cannot bear to take a picture, I weigh 135 lbs. I'm 5'2"

My weight keeps going up and up. It doesn't go down 3 up two down 2 up 1 like it used to. I am eating less than last month, but it goes up. So borrrrrr-iiiinnnnnng, I'm gonna log what I'm eating / exorcising /supplementing now.

I am beginning to KNOW from the inside out that thoughts create fat. My bad attitude of late, with all the labels I have for myself, and unloving names, is making me fat. I feel doomed so I convey to the universe that I am doomed through my thoughts. For the following examples insert "I am" where blank because I should not even type these complete statements for fear of solidifying them more in my experience:
" _____ getting fatter and fatter!"
" _____ giant/obese"
" _____ a disaster"
" _____ no good / defective / sick"
and on and on. (the universe knows YOU are not claiming these things yourself as you read them ...don't worry!)
I grew up with these loop tapes of negativity going in my head and it is soo easy to start the tape again; just press PLAY. I guess now that my tapes were never erased. I thought that they were for the last 5 yrs of my raw-style life, but they were just on a long pause it seems. So, once 10 lbs crept on I called myself a "fatso", amongst other names. Labeling and claiming these demeaning titles, and the physical characteristics followed. My boyfriend keeps reminding me that body follows mind. What the mind commands as true the body will obediently follow and present itself as you rule it. And I am most certainly creating exactly what I do not want. I am so depressed though that it seems impossible to change over to positive reinforcement tapes. I can't bring myself to replace the unwanted thoughts by claiming what I do wish to become as if it were in the present tense in order to bring it into my life now.
Here are some thoughts that must become habit:
I AM HAPPY / HEALTHY / WHOLE
I AM PERFECTING WHAT IS
I AM CAPABLE AND STRONG
I TRUST THAT MY BODY KNOWS WHAT TO DO
I EAT WELL AND I LOSE WEIGHT
I AM FIT AND SLIM
I AM 108 (lbs) AND I FEEL GREAT
AS THE DAYS GO BY I FEEL YOUNGER AND YOUNGER
I FEEL YOUNGER THAN EVER
I AM AN UNENDING SOURCE OF GOD's ENERGY
But some days I wake up crying and can not force these thoughts. And when I try to recite them my back up tapes chime in with terrible sarcastic remarks that mostly win out.
I know that I am gaining weight because of my bad attitude. I am so sad all the time. I wonder if those 5-1/2 yrs of happy raw vegan life were just a manic phase and now my depression is back? Maybe I am manic-depressive and never knew? I feel like I need anti-depressant drugs...this coming from someone who would not take aspirin for the last 5 yrs.

YESTERDAY I HAD:
7am 2 shot E-3 Live ...later Theraputic Enzymes
8am 1 quart of juice: orange, pommegranite, ginger, fennel, dandelion, beet greens, kale, collards, romaine, celery, basil, oregano, burdock root
9:30 Dandelion tea + cacao powder
11:00 3 super ripe juicy persimmons
2:30 3 med bananas blended with fresh aloe & cinnamon
7pm medium salad (dandelion, kale, romaine, basil, cilantro, dulse, wakame, jalepeno, 1 tb O. oil, lime)
EXC: 30 min on rebounder

DAY BEFORE:
7am 2 shot E-3 Live ...later Theraputic Enzymes
8am 1 Qt juice: oj, grapefruit, pomm, ginger, dandelion, kale, red leaf, celery, thyme, daikon radish, black radish
12pm Healthforce Nutritionals Liver Rescue Caps (x 4), Royal Breakstone Caps (x2) with water
4pm Leaf Cuisine salad: (not good ingred. for me) romaine, tomao seed/buckwheat croutons,
1/4 avocado, o. oil, nama shoyu, cashews, garlic, cayenne, onion, dulse
7pm 3/4 Qt juice #2 - like first but with carrot, beet, apple (not citrus/pomm) + other green ingred.
EXC: 2 hour hike (1 hour totally up hill, then back down)

DAY BEFORE:
7am 2 shot E-3 Live ...later Theraputic Enzymes
8am 1 Qt juice: pineapple, pomm, ginger, dandelion, kale, cucumber, celery, thyme, burdock
2pm 8 persimmons (both common types)
5pm 3 more persimmons + hommade veg pulp crackers (pulp from juice + onion, garlic, cumin dehydrated to crisp) + water
8pm 3/4 Qt juice #2 - like first but with carrot, beet, apple (not citrus/pomm) + other green ingred.
NO EXC :(

NOVEMBER 5 2008 - MONTHS LATER

God, I actually hope that no one reads this. But I need to write AS IF I am confiding. I can't keep it locked up. I'M A MESS. Ever since the last month of the juice feast. Aftermath after the fast. It through me waaaay out of whack. I personally realize that this extreme practice does not work for every body. Juice feasting was the ruination of me...that is how I feel, for the last 6 months. Like maybe my dosha is not right for that "remedy". I went into it hoping to heal psoriasis. To straighten out imbalances.
My psoriasis got WAAAY worse in the feast and has continued in that direction.
So depressing.
My body has kinked WAAAY more out of whack than it was before the feast.
I have gained 25 lbs more than my starting weight before the feast.
I am sooo depressed and stuck now. This energy stuck in me like a thorn that got wedged in deep and I can't find it now to pull it out. I need a shaman to cast out the demons and clear my soul.
Having been over 5 yrs raw vegan before the feast I was not unhappy one day the whole time (ok, maybe a few during a break up, but not depression).
This is full-on depression.
I am 100% raw and the new fat is going NOWHERE.
I isolate myself I am so embarrassed to see people, especially raw vegan friends. It looks like I am eating bagels and burgers and fries and shakes, I am obese.
This new body after the feast does not look like me.
I have only negative mind set now. I have anger and doubt and self-hate. I was nothing like this before back in May 08. I was great then.
My depression and lack of emotional control and new mood swings are challenging my relationship with my loving boyfriend. And I do not want to go out, I don't want friends, and I feel badly for him so I try to break up like once week when I go "nutty". I should just be alone, no one should have to suffer this with me. My body makes me want to puke if I catch a glimpse of it. The fact that I let it effect me to such detriment is gross too. I used to be SOOO positive and actually lived the wisdom I know. Now the wisdom is trying to fight its way out of my head and back to my being, but the negative thoughts beat it down.
I have always been strong and fixed myself. This time I am so beyond lost. Been 6 months and I am just getting worse. 6 yrs raw vegan lifestyle and this is where I am. It seems like everyone living this way except me gets better and better and all my effort has been for...what?
I feel doomed. I might as well be an alcoholic pizza eating lump because good natural organic living food is not helping me. My consciousness level went from a level 9 to about a 2.
Cry.
I am seeking help thru an energy-reiki-therapist, a friend.
I am trying 811 diet.